You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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