remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
