I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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