shes about as inviting as chlamydia
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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