I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
