I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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