And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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