Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
