I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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