just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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