i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
