Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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