I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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