sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
