I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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