Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
