After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
