Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have feelings that need drinking.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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