sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
