I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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