Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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