He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
