Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
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My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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