My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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