funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
