"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
