Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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