so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
