it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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