my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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