i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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