I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
