You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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