is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
