The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
