the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
