i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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