i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Congratulations! We have a period
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
