By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.