She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
