You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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