So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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