Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
