i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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