John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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