You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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