I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
