The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
