If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
