she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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