My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
