i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
