Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
