I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
