I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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