you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
