Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
