I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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