i may or may not be watching the land before time
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
