Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.