I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?