Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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