I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?