What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."