I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance