everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
