please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
